Can you say in one sentence or less wha-um, you know what i mean-- Can you say in one sentence or less wha-um, you know what i mean-- Can you say in one sentence or less wha-um, you know what i mean-- um, you know what i mean-- you know what i mean-- um, um TELL ME WHAT YOU REALLY LI-- Can you say why America is the greatest country in the world?

if liberals are so fuckin smart, how come they lose so goddamn always? Canada has freedom Japan has freedom The UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, Beellggiiuumm has freedom! So, 207 sovereign states in the world, like 180 of them have freedom. And yeah, you… sorority girl Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there’s some things you should know. One of them is: there’s absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we’re the greatest country in the world. We’re 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force and number 4 in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real and defense spending, where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined, 25 of whom are allies. (The time has come to an end Yeah, this is what nature planned Being tracked by a starving beast Looking for its daily feast A predator on the verge of death Close to its last breath Getting close to its last breath Rules of nature! Rules of nature! Rules of nature!) Now, none of this is the fault of a 20-year-old college student, but you, nonetheless, are, without a doubt, a member of the worst period generation period ever period, so when you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about! Yosemite! *echoes* Yo listen up, here's the story About a little guy that lives in a blue world And all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue Like him, inside and outside Blue his house with a blue little window And a blue Corvette And everything is blue for him And himself and everybody around 'Cause he ain't got nobody to listen It sure used to be… We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reason. We passed laws, struck down laws, for moral reason. We waged wars on poverty, not on poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors, we put our money where our mouths were and we never beat our chest. We built great, big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases and we cultivated the world’s greatest artists AND the world’s greatest economy-- ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? We reached for the stars We reached for the stars We reached for the stars We reached for the stars We reached for the stars We reached for the stars We reached for the stars We reached for the stars We reached for the stars We reached for the stars We reached for the stars We reached for the stars, acted like men. We aspired to intelligence, we didn’t belittle it. It didn’t make us feel inferior. We didn’t identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election and we didn’t scare so easy. *inaudible* a tiger..ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? We were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed… by great men, men who were revered. First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore. Enough?

I'm the guy who wins the lottery and loses the ticket. Biggest story in a generation and I'm a spectator. You are not a spectator. We are locked on a plane and we still helped put it together. That's pretty good. What is this compulsion you have to look on the bright side? I can never count on you to be Jewish. If it helps, we should probably be concerned about violent retaliation. That does help, man. Thanks. My regret is that I'd like to have been with my wife for this. Tell her to wake up the kids, bring them down to the studio. We'd all watch together. Yes, I'd like to be with your wife, too. I'd like to be in the newsroom with Will and Charlie and her and you. - And Maggie. - I said Maggie. - No, you didn't. - You didn't. So you have to ask yourself what happens when you and Maggie break up, which you know is going to happen, - and Jim's with someone else. - We were talking that loud? Over Delaware after the second scotch. There's passengers in row 22 who know about you, Maggie, and Jim. - True story. - Shut up. Excuse me, I've got a text message saying the president is speaking tonight in a few minutes. Do you know anything about this? The Internet says he's speaking on a matter of grave national security. Yeah, I've got the same thing. I've got a flight that's been canceled. Does that have anything to do with what-- - Has there been a terrorist attack? - No. - Wait, there's been a terrorist attack? - No, there hasn't. - I've got an email saying we're at war with Libya. - Nope. You guys know what's going on, don't you? Folks, there hasn't been a terrorist attack. None of your friends and family are in danger. The president will be speaking in just a few minutes. - No. - Listen, they're just nervous. I don't care. You do not take over control of the cabin. They're getting emails and going online. You do not take over control of the cabin ever. - Now sit down. I'm getting the captain. - Ma'am, no, you know-- Yeah, get the captain, 'cause I'd like to have a word with him. The seat belt while we're standing still is one thing, but how paranoid do you have to be to think that I'm declaring myself in charge of the-- - Is there a problem, sir? - Yeah, I was asking how paranoid you have to-- - You have to be-- - Sir? Sir? Captain, my name is Don Keefer. That's Elliot Hirsch and that's Sloan Sabbith. We work for Atlantis Cable News. And we wanted you and your first officer and Flight Attendant Crazy Lady to be the first ones on this plane to know that our armed forces killed Osama bin Laden for you tonight. You're serious? Yes, sir. We reported the news.

-How bout this? It's for the troops, so-- -I don't give a shit about the troops. -Booooo! That was a big room full of Republican primary voters booing an American combat soldier who, as he was speaking, was in combat. The audience members who were booing were in Orlando. Soon they'll surely be in hell, though not soon enough. Not everyone was booing. There were people in the audience who heard Captain Hill say that when he was deployed to Iraq, he was worried that if his sexuality was discovered, they might not let him go-- As opposed to most of us who, if told we were being deployed to Iraq, would go Corporal Klinger faster than you can pull on a yellow taffeta picnic dress. I'm sure there were even some people in the building who stood up for Captain Hill, people who had the simple strength of character to turn to the fraction of a human in the seat next to them and say, "How many different kinds of disgusting do you have to be to boo a man who volunteered to fight and die for you?" -So-- -I don't give a shit about the troops. Fuck the FBI and fuck all the army troops Fuck the FBI and fuck all the army troops Fuck the FBI and fuck all the army troops Fuck the FBI and fuck all the army troops Fuck the FBI and fuck all the army troops Fuck the FBI and fuck all the army troops Fuck the FBI and fuck all the army troops Fuck the FBI and fuck all the army troops -Aw!

-Open the can. -No problemo! Where's the can opener? -It's in the second drawer from the right. No no no no the other one. -Oh, I gotchya! It's broken, Mom. Mom, it's broken. *singing* Mom, it's broken! Mom, it's broken! Mom, it's broken! Mom, it's broken! -Hmm, I don't think that it's broken, honey. Here, let me try. Mm, here ya go! When you try your best but you don't succeed When you get what you want but not what you need When you feel so tired but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse When the tears come streaming down your face 'Cause you lose something you can't replace When you love someone but it goes to waste What could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you (When you try your best but you don't succeed When you get what you want but not what you need When you feel so tired but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse When the tears come streaming down your face 'Cause you lose something you can't replace When you love someone but it goes to waste What could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you But high up above or down below When you are too in love to let it show Oh but if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you cannot replace oh and tears come streaming down your face And I Tears streaming down your face I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes oh and the tears streaming down your face And I Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you) Lights will guide -We're cutting into our program with breaking news. A local Tucson newspaper is reporting that Arizona Congresswoman Gabby-- Gabrielle Giffords has been shot while holding a public event in Tucson outside a grocery store. Possibly as many as 12 others have been rushed to an area hospital. We're now learning that three members of Gabrielle Giffords' staff were among those wounded and rushed to University Medical Center in Tucson. -Does he have an arrest record? They've had him for over an hour now. -How can they not know who he is? He's not going on the air with maybe. -Jim. -No, an arrest record. -Okay, can you tell me if the congresswoman's district office has received any threats? -Jim, NPR is saying she's dead. -Anyone else? -No. -Then she's not dead yet. -If you're just joining us, a gunman in Arizona -Fox, MSNBC, and CNN are all calling it. -Let me hear MSNBC. -Reporter: a sole source of information that reports that the Arizona congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords has been killed in this heinous attempt on her life. -Joey. -Get me some official confirmation or I'm not calling it right now. -Why hasn't he called it yet? -I don't have time right now. -Jim, why hasn't he called it? -Gary, I need him in the hospital. -He's there. -CNN, MSNBC, and FOX say she's dead. -They're all going off the same NPR report. I'm not satisfied. -I don't give a shit if you're satisfied. -What the hell is he-- Hey! -We're going to show you now an interview Gabrielle Giffords gave just last year. This is Congresswoman Giffords. -30 seconds. -What's going on? -I'll call security. -Every second you're not current, 1000 people are changing the channel to the guy who is. That's the business you're in. MSNBC, Fox, and CNN all say she's dead. -Don, tell him. -Don! -It's a person. A doctor pronounces her dead, not the news. -Back in five, four-- -What we know so far is that Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and 12 others were shot when a gunman opened fire at a local town hall in Tucson, Arizona. Tears stream down your face when you lose something -Is he overhearing it or is he at the hospital? - She's alive! - Who's telling you that? The anesthesiologist. -She's being prepped for surgery. -I've got her alive! -NPR called it wrong. She's alive. -She's alive. -Will. -All right, we're learning now that Giffords is being prepped for surgery and we have our ACN affiliate at University Hospital now. -What can you tell us? -Mac, get in here with Charlie right now. -Is everything-- -Right now! -YOU TELL LEONA THAT IF SHE WANTS ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR, SHE BETTER BRING MORE THAN JUST A COUPLE OF GUYS. -THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'LL FUCKING TELL HER. -I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND, CHARLIE! -FEET OF FUCKING STEEL. -MAC. -I'M SORRY. -IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. -I FUCKED EVERYTHING UP! -IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT. -WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? -YOU'RE A FUCKING NEWSMAN, DON! I EVER TELL YOU OTHERWISE, YOU PUNCH ME IN THE FACE! -PUNCH ME IN THE FACE! -PUNCH ME IN THE FACE! -PUNCH ME IN THE FACE! -PUNCH ME IN THE FACE! -PUNCH ME IN THE FACE!

-All right. Can you say in one sentence or less, alright you know what i mean-Can you say why Donald Trump is the best case scenario for Hillary Clinton? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? -Well, I think for the first time in election history, I think her opponent might donate to her campaign. FOR HILLARY CLINTON? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? -Uh, no no no. I'm gonna hold you to an answer on that. What makes Donald Trump the best case scenario for Hillary Clinton? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? FOR HILLARY CLINTON? A candy-colored clown they call the sandman Tiptoes to my room every night Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper "Go to sleep. Everything is all right." I close my eyes -Jeff, Jeff. I'm not gonna let you go back to the airport without giving me an actual answer on this question. What makes Donald- (then I drift away) -Because he's not the best case scenario, John! That's my answer! (into the magic night) -Yeah, I mean Donald Trump is a fact bending loose-cannon (I softly say) -who alienates voters with everything he says, but he gets-he gets constant media attention for free. (A silent prayer like dreamers do) -Won't be a day from now til November trump isn't on every TV channel. (Then I fall asleep to dream) -And with a straight face, you're gonna tell me that electing a woman is unprecedented? (My dreams of you) -Germany elected a female chancellor. Brasil elected a female president. (In dreams) -Denmark. Poland. Korea. (I walk) -Argentina. Norway. Liberia. Cyprus.They're run by women! (With you) -So, 22 sovereign states in the world have already beat us on this. -Alright OK fine fine fine fine- (In dreams) -*inaudible* OK, OK, OK, "Game Change" Guy, just in case (I talk) -You accidentally find yourself writing a third book, there's some things (To you) -That you should know, and one of them is: (In dreams) -There is absolutely no evidence to support the statement (You're mine) -That Trump is the best case scenario for Hillary Clinton. (all of the time) -38% of the people gave her a favorable rating (we're together) -30% of the people say that she's honest and trustworthy. (In dreams) -And just 22% of democrats say they're enthusiastic (In dreams) -About her being the nominee. (But just) -Sure she beats Trump in some categories like (Before) -Millenials, who don't even show up to vote (The Dawn) -She also leads in the number of messages deleted on her email server (I awake) -But that aside, so when you ask, you ask what makes (To find you're gone) -Trump the best case scenario for Hillary Clinton, (I can't help it) -I don't know what the fuck you're talking about! (I can't help it) -His tiny hands? (If I cry) -And we'll be right back. (I remember)